A few weeks ago I picked up Melody and the kids from the train station in Novosibirsk, part way through the Shor-Altai trip. Melody sat down in the car and told me she was pregnant. We had actually been trying a number of months with no success, so this was a pleasant surprise, even if as a man it always takes me longer to get used to the idea. We didn't have a chance to speak all that day, as we were driving down to Altai and had Nathan in the car with us (he was not at the train station.)
Later that night we got settled down into a house that was arranged for us to stay at in the Altai. We had some family space. The kids were in bed. Melody and I sat down together. Melody was all concerned about logistics. We had booked tickets to fly to Australia at the end of April and return to Russia at the tart of August. But this baby was due at the end of September. Would we have the baby in Australia or in Russia? Would we have to change our travel plans? Could Melody cope with the idea of having a baby in a foreign medical system, that is less than caring at times? Some wisdom emanates from me occasionally in my late 30s. I suggested that we wait two weeks before discussing logistics. We prayed and decided to do that.
Those two weeks were for us a chance to individually bring our concerns and our desires to God. We did gradually begin to talk about our hopes for this new child and how our family would begin to change. There of course was the trepidation, how would we cope with a third child? Two are certainly taxing enough on us at times.
I had it in my mind that it could be easier in some ways to have the baby in Russia. We would have no major concerns with paper work and getting the child residency in Russia. By the end of the two weeks I decided within myself that where ever Melody wanted to give birth, would be the deciding factor. For Melody the complications of the Russian medical system meant that she wanted to give birth in Australia, which she was already familiar with. So this was the decision we made.
I began to consider all of the paper work ahead of us. Plane tickets would need to be changed or cancelled and rebooked. I calculated the time line for getting documents for our new baby when he was born, and if we could get him a passport and visa within the time needed, so we would not overstay six months outside Russia and lose our residency. We did make a decision though to not change anything until after 13 weeks pregnancy. This would make things tight, as our original tickets were for April 22 and 13 weeks would be the end of March.
Early on we just told our families, and then began to tell people casually as we related to them. We made no public statement yet, because we had so many plans to reconsider. Melody had not even been to the doctor yet. We would need a good relationship with the doctor so that we would be given permission to fly late in the pregnancy.
Even though changing tickets would be a hassle, I personally was looking forward to being able to stay in Russia for the summer. We missed out on summer in Russia last year (as we went to Canada). This year we would have gone to Australia in winter there and missed summer here, only to come back and wait for another winter. So to expect a Russian summer was joy in the waiting, followed by a baby in Australia and another summer!
I began to think of all the things we could do here this summer. We could run a CPM training course for all of the people in Siberia we perceived would be interested or benefit. Aidyn from the Altai had already shown some significant interest. We could also take our car out into nature and find a place to camp and relax. There would undoubtedly be village trips, searching for people of peace.
We had put off a visit to the doctor after getting back from Altai. We all had a case of the cold, sore throats, stuffed up noses and were basically running on minimum, keeping up our responsibilities but nothing extra.
But this past weekend Melody spoke of a little spotting of blood appearing. She began to be a little concerned. We looked up the baby center website and read the stories of other women who had experienced similar things. Different women spoke of the uterus expanding and some blood vessels breaking, but ultimately carrying their baby to a healthy full term. Of all the stories shared, there was not a single one about miscarriage.
On Sunday night there was even a little more blood. Melody was beginning to be convinced that something bad was happening. Previously I assured her that everything would be alright. This time I acknowledged there could be a problem. I told her that if there was a problem I would care and love her all I could, but that it might not hit me the same way.
On Monday morning Melody's concern had grown. A Finnish friend who lives here came over to support Melody, while I went to work. I came home at lunch time and Melody explained that there is a private ultrasound centre and that we would go in there and get an ultrasound for 500 rubles. I took Melody, Susanna and PJ in the car. Melody booked in for an ultrasound while PJ and I went home to pick up Abigail from school.
Forty minutes after the ultrasound appointment I had not heard from Melody. I called her on the phone. Melody and Susanna were on their way home on the bus. Melody was crying. We said we would talk when she got home. When Melody got home she showed me the print out of the ultrasound. Our baby had died at 7 weeks in the womb. Abigail was on her way out the door to art school. We put off talking to Abigail and PJ about our sad news.
I had to teach again in the afternoon, and felt very flat. When I came home we got the kids together on the couch. I pulled out the bible and began to read from Jeremiah. Abigail missed the point of what I was doing at first. Jeremiah had actually been the first name that popped into my head when we first began to discuss names. I read the verses that speak of God knowing the prophet in the womb and knitting him together. Later when Jerusalem is captured and destroyed, Jeremiah weeps. Jeremiah is the weeping prophet. I explained to Abigail and PJ that little Jeremiah had gone home to be with Jesus. Abigail had a moment of pure joy, followed by the realisation that this meant our little baby would not be joining our family on earth. Abigail and Melody cried together for the next ten minutes. PJ didn't really seem to be understanding everything.
The standard medical procedure for a woman going through a miscarriage is to go into hospital and have a "D & C", which is essentially the uterus being scraped out. This is a very traumatic experience for any woman to go through, even if there is anaesthetic. There have been some stories of women who were told they had miscarried but decided to do nothing and ended up carrying a baby to full term. Melody was convicted in herself that she would not go to the hospital for a D & C. We knew that some may even disagree with this approach.
The next morning, Tuesday rolled around. Melody had a rude awakening. She was expecting some blood, but without too much detail there was far more than she could ever have expected. No one ever talks about these things, so how would she know what to expect. Tuesday, Melody went through 8-9 hours of pain and grief as the broken up placenta began to be expelled from the body. Tuesday afternoon she had relief and thought the worst of it may be over. Wednesday morning and the whole thing repeated, another 8-9 hours of the same experience. Somehow we managed to shield the kids from the sight. I bought a big bunch of flowers for Melody to try to cheer her up. She assured me that flowers never go astray.
Melody knew that if she had not seen the ultrasound on Monday, that the following experience would have been much more traumatic. But as it was, she had already began to accept that our baby was gone. Nothing could have prepared Melody for the experience. But she was very relieved to avoid the D & C.
Thursday left us feeling a bit numb, trying to get on with life but also having grief stare us squarely in the face. We didn't know whether to allow ourselves to grieve more or to attempt to restart life.
Friday the 8th of March is International Women's Day. It's a big event in Russia, probably the 2nd or 3rd most important holiday of the year. Abigail is turning into a real little Russian kid and really getting into the spirit of things through her school. So Abigail has been preparing in her sweet way a special surprise for today- that is roughly equivalent to mother's day in Russian culture.
Abigail made a card for Melody. Abigail also wrote a book called "Fruit of the Spirit." Melody read this book in bed and it touched our hearts deeply, to see our girl growing up in the Lord and having so much godly wisdom. Let me repeat the words of her book here for posterity (and for healing joy):
(Spelling is as Abigail spelt).
The Fruit of the Spirit flip up book
The most important-
LOVE is something we do like a complamint
JOY is being happy because God loves you
PEACE is something that you can only find in God when you can relakce
PATIAENCE is to wiat for God's plan
KINDNESS is to be kind in one anader
GOODNESS is like peace because it is something you can only find in God to
FAITH is to have trust in God
GENTLENESS is to be gentle
SELF-CONTROL is to know that God knows more than you
It was so beautiful, I just had the biggest smile on my face and in my heart. Both kids were jumping around on the bed with so much happiness and joy. Both Melody and I looked at each other and thought, "God has blessed us with such wonderful children." After that was over I just wanted to cry. But then Abigail pulled us out in to the living room for a performance, she had even prepared tickets for us to sit on the couch to watch.
Later that night we got settled down into a house that was arranged for us to stay at in the Altai. We had some family space. The kids were in bed. Melody and I sat down together. Melody was all concerned about logistics. We had booked tickets to fly to Australia at the end of April and return to Russia at the tart of August. But this baby was due at the end of September. Would we have the baby in Australia or in Russia? Would we have to change our travel plans? Could Melody cope with the idea of having a baby in a foreign medical system, that is less than caring at times? Some wisdom emanates from me occasionally in my late 30s. I suggested that we wait two weeks before discussing logistics. We prayed and decided to do that.
Those two weeks were for us a chance to individually bring our concerns and our desires to God. We did gradually begin to talk about our hopes for this new child and how our family would begin to change. There of course was the trepidation, how would we cope with a third child? Two are certainly taxing enough on us at times.
I had it in my mind that it could be easier in some ways to have the baby in Russia. We would have no major concerns with paper work and getting the child residency in Russia. By the end of the two weeks I decided within myself that where ever Melody wanted to give birth, would be the deciding factor. For Melody the complications of the Russian medical system meant that she wanted to give birth in Australia, which she was already familiar with. So this was the decision we made.
I began to consider all of the paper work ahead of us. Plane tickets would need to be changed or cancelled and rebooked. I calculated the time line for getting documents for our new baby when he was born, and if we could get him a passport and visa within the time needed, so we would not overstay six months outside Russia and lose our residency. We did make a decision though to not change anything until after 13 weeks pregnancy. This would make things tight, as our original tickets were for April 22 and 13 weeks would be the end of March.
Early on we just told our families, and then began to tell people casually as we related to them. We made no public statement yet, because we had so many plans to reconsider. Melody had not even been to the doctor yet. We would need a good relationship with the doctor so that we would be given permission to fly late in the pregnancy.
Even though changing tickets would be a hassle, I personally was looking forward to being able to stay in Russia for the summer. We missed out on summer in Russia last year (as we went to Canada). This year we would have gone to Australia in winter there and missed summer here, only to come back and wait for another winter. So to expect a Russian summer was joy in the waiting, followed by a baby in Australia and another summer!
I began to think of all the things we could do here this summer. We could run a CPM training course for all of the people in Siberia we perceived would be interested or benefit. Aidyn from the Altai had already shown some significant interest. We could also take our car out into nature and find a place to camp and relax. There would undoubtedly be village trips, searching for people of peace.
We had put off a visit to the doctor after getting back from Altai. We all had a case of the cold, sore throats, stuffed up noses and were basically running on minimum, keeping up our responsibilities but nothing extra.
But this past weekend Melody spoke of a little spotting of blood appearing. She began to be a little concerned. We looked up the baby center website and read the stories of other women who had experienced similar things. Different women spoke of the uterus expanding and some blood vessels breaking, but ultimately carrying their baby to a healthy full term. Of all the stories shared, there was not a single one about miscarriage.
On Sunday night there was even a little more blood. Melody was beginning to be convinced that something bad was happening. Previously I assured her that everything would be alright. This time I acknowledged there could be a problem. I told her that if there was a problem I would care and love her all I could, but that it might not hit me the same way.
On Monday morning Melody's concern had grown. A Finnish friend who lives here came over to support Melody, while I went to work. I came home at lunch time and Melody explained that there is a private ultrasound centre and that we would go in there and get an ultrasound for 500 rubles. I took Melody, Susanna and PJ in the car. Melody booked in for an ultrasound while PJ and I went home to pick up Abigail from school.
Forty minutes after the ultrasound appointment I had not heard from Melody. I called her on the phone. Melody and Susanna were on their way home on the bus. Melody was crying. We said we would talk when she got home. When Melody got home she showed me the print out of the ultrasound. Our baby had died at 7 weeks in the womb. Abigail was on her way out the door to art school. We put off talking to Abigail and PJ about our sad news.
I had to teach again in the afternoon, and felt very flat. When I came home we got the kids together on the couch. I pulled out the bible and began to read from Jeremiah. Abigail missed the point of what I was doing at first. Jeremiah had actually been the first name that popped into my head when we first began to discuss names. I read the verses that speak of God knowing the prophet in the womb and knitting him together. Later when Jerusalem is captured and destroyed, Jeremiah weeps. Jeremiah is the weeping prophet. I explained to Abigail and PJ that little Jeremiah had gone home to be with Jesus. Abigail had a moment of pure joy, followed by the realisation that this meant our little baby would not be joining our family on earth. Abigail and Melody cried together for the next ten minutes. PJ didn't really seem to be understanding everything.
The standard medical procedure for a woman going through a miscarriage is to go into hospital and have a "D & C", which is essentially the uterus being scraped out. This is a very traumatic experience for any woman to go through, even if there is anaesthetic. There have been some stories of women who were told they had miscarried but decided to do nothing and ended up carrying a baby to full term. Melody was convicted in herself that she would not go to the hospital for a D & C. We knew that some may even disagree with this approach.
The next morning, Tuesday rolled around. Melody had a rude awakening. She was expecting some blood, but without too much detail there was far more than she could ever have expected. No one ever talks about these things, so how would she know what to expect. Tuesday, Melody went through 8-9 hours of pain and grief as the broken up placenta began to be expelled from the body. Tuesday afternoon she had relief and thought the worst of it may be over. Wednesday morning and the whole thing repeated, another 8-9 hours of the same experience. Somehow we managed to shield the kids from the sight. I bought a big bunch of flowers for Melody to try to cheer her up. She assured me that flowers never go astray.
Melody knew that if she had not seen the ultrasound on Monday, that the following experience would have been much more traumatic. But as it was, she had already began to accept that our baby was gone. Nothing could have prepared Melody for the experience. But she was very relieved to avoid the D & C.
Thursday left us feeling a bit numb, trying to get on with life but also having grief stare us squarely in the face. We didn't know whether to allow ourselves to grieve more or to attempt to restart life.
Friday the 8th of March is International Women's Day. It's a big event in Russia, probably the 2nd or 3rd most important holiday of the year. Abigail is turning into a real little Russian kid and really getting into the spirit of things through her school. So Abigail has been preparing in her sweet way a special surprise for today- that is roughly equivalent to mother's day in Russian culture.
Abigail made a card for Melody. Abigail also wrote a book called "Fruit of the Spirit." Melody read this book in bed and it touched our hearts deeply, to see our girl growing up in the Lord and having so much godly wisdom. Let me repeat the words of her book here for posterity (and for healing joy):
(Spelling is as Abigail spelt).
The Fruit of the Spirit flip up book
The most important-
LOVE is something we do like a complamint
JOY is being happy because God loves you
PEACE is something that you can only find in God when you can relakce
PATIAENCE is to wiat for God's plan
KINDNESS is to be kind in one anader
GOODNESS is like peace because it is something you can only find in God to
FAITH is to have trust in God
GENTLENESS is to be gentle
SELF-CONTROL is to know that God knows more than you
It was so beautiful, I just had the biggest smile on my face and in my heart. Both kids were jumping around on the bed with so much happiness and joy. Both Melody and I looked at each other and thought, "God has blessed us with such wonderful children." After that was over I just wanted to cry. But then Abigail pulled us out in to the living room for a performance, she had even prepared tickets for us to sit on the couch to watch.
Of course it was then time for PJ to give his dance!
Our children bring us such joy and laughter at times that it was so healing. Abigail had set the table for breakfast, but I could not come straight away. All I could do was sit there on the couch and weep. Only the Holy Spirit could have spoken to us in such a pure way through our children to bring some healing.
I have been feeling angry and confused with God. I guess I have learned in my life to find blame in a situation. This is bad. When there was no blame for Melody or me I sought to place it on God. I think God is big enough to handle my anger and confusion though. I have peace to know that Jeremiah is with Jesus. We both have the joy of two wonderful children who are growing up in the love of us and the Lord. I was so happy to experience their joy and then so sad at the same time to know this is what we would be missing out on with Jeremiah.
But in all, I have experienced some joy today, and I think we can begin to move forward in life. The Lord is truly good in his healing.
5 comments:
Bless you guys.
Thank-you so much for sharing all of that, Paul. I will continue to pray for all of you at this time.
Feel for you all. Thanks for sharing this difficult moment and the aftermath.Your children could start a new form of ballet -one where you talk and sing while dancing - maybe just a word or two for the whole way through - love from down under where its scorching hot .
What precious and beautiful children you have! So glad to see how the Lord brings you comfort and healing through them!
yes bless you.
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